Finally Free

I finally told most of my associates, so I can talk about this PG business openly now. Not sure if I'm going to open up this blog or keep it going...I don't know.

The Appointments

Weird feeling...I've now scheduled all of my doctor appointments through the end of my pregnancy. This pregnancy is going by extremely quickly.

If I can make time during lunch today, I'm going to tour a daycare so I can get TBD's name on the list. Insane.

No Surprise

I've now told two more associates that I'm pregnant. One responded, "I knew it. I could tell when you were here last week." The other said, "I figured as much."

I am not telling everyone at work yet, because a) it's not really their business b) I'm very sensitive to mixing personal with business -- I mix it when it's advantageous to me...and that's about it.

I'm ready for everyone to know though. It would also be kind of funny to not say anything...which, since my boss knows, I guess I don't really have to tell anyone else.

I rarely see anyone, since I work from home. I could easily go the entire pregnancy without any of my associates seeing me pregnant. Until I cut off my travel, I could totally pass it off as weight gain.

No Baby Drama

I'm very happy to report that today, as of this moment, there has been no baby drama. I'm knocking on wood.

This Wednesday was considerably better than last Wednesday.

And Now, Contractions

When I was pregnant with V, I always wanted to "feel" more pregnant. That is a stupid wish. If I ever hear someone say this, I'm going to tell them that they're being stupid.

So, I didn't drink enough water today and I wondered what the side effect of not drinking enough water is...well, my side effect is that I've been having regular contractions for most of the afternoon. I've consumed about six glasses of water since I started having contractions and they're pretty much gone now.

I'm an idiot.

UPDATE: In re-reading this, it's mis-leading. It makes me seem like even more of a dumbass than I actually am.

To clarify, I forgot to drink water -- I didn't purposely not drink water.

To further clarify, I've known that you're supposed to drink a lot of water while pregnant, but I never knew exactly why. I still don't really...but I assume. Drinking water sounds like good common sense, so I do it...except on this day when I was tired and busy...and forgot.

Still not smart, but not intentionally cruel.

TBD is A-OK

Just got back from the doctor and TBD is looking good. They officially think last week's issues were caused by my placenta being very low and overlapping my cervix. NET: Woo hoo!

Week 14 is off to a good start.

I Take it Back

Yeah, bed rest is not great. Especially when you're as anal about cleaning your house before your maid comes as I am. I threw a temper tantrum tonight, because I was frustrated that I couldn't do my normal cleaning by myself.

Not good. I locked myself in the office.

Lazy and Loving It

That's me.

I was born for bed (really couch) rest. I'm totally caught up on my TV and pickle intake. Life's much better than it was on Wednesday.

The downside of being caught up on TV is that I have that stupid Lady Ga Ga song in my head...I think it's called "Poker Face." Did you see "Parks and Recreation?" When Amy Poehler said, "My My My My My Poker Face," that cracked me up.

Also, I got out of a family outing. It's almost as good as the Christmas when I was on painkillers.

Yelling at random people = check.
Eating whatever I want = check.
Sleeping excessively = check.
Playing video games = check.
Watching a lot of TV = check.
Guiltlessly avoiding whatever I want/need to = check.

No bleeding today. (KNOCKING ON WOOD)

Bed Rest and Less-stress Living

After lying on my friend Veronika’s couch, with a snuggie, eating cookies, drinking caffeine-free Diet Pepsi (close enough) and Thai food, for 18+ hours, I can definitely tell that I feel better when I’m lying down vs. when I’m walking around. I guess the doctor knew what he was talking about when he recommended (not required) bed rest.

I’m lucky to have such good friends out here. One of my good friends called me and berated me for not asking her to come to the hospital – given she lives two minutes away. I love the fact that she feels comfortable yelling at me. Most do not. I liked it.

I’m only seeing very little blood now and it’s less frequent. I’m still kind of crampy though and my lower back kills. As a NET, I’m taking this as a positive sign.

Originally today, I was supposed to go to an offsite with team. The offsite was planned around my travel – that’s part of the reason I’ve felt compelled to continue my trip. This morning I made the difficult and more responsible decision to not go on the team offsite. Instead, I decided to use my time flexibility to get to the airport super-early to avoid as much travel hassle (read: stupid people) as possible.

This was a wise decision. The airport is full of drama today, but luckily, it is not mine (knocking on wood).

I had the opportunity to get on an earlier flight, but I elected to stay on a later flight in order to have a seat in first class. I’ve heard people say, “First class domestic isn’t worth it.” Those people don’t travel frequently. First class is always worth it. Plus, now I’ll have healthier food and a less cramped/less-stressful ride…and less people to hear me sobbing should it come to that.

It’s very anti-my personality to be this chill about stuff. I left for the airport 3+ hours early. Bizarre.

I’m still holding my shit together, but I can feel myself getting more emotional the closer I get to home.

It’s amazing how manipulative TBD is already. He/she is already a lot like their older sister.

This Guy Had a Bad Day

The bleeding is now very minimal, but I still don’t feel great. More than anything though. I’m having to hide how much of a raging bitch I want to be. Since he was the only one I could express rage to, the poor/dumb guy from Enterprise Car Rental was not fortunate enough to avoid the rage (mostly in the form of talking to him like he’s an idiot):

DUMB RENTAL CAR GUY (DRCG): “Bethany? I’m here.”
ME: “Where are you?”
DRCG: “In the hotel lobby.”
ME: “Any chance you can pick me up on the side entrance where I asked to be picked up at?”
DRCG: “Sure, I’ll be there in a sec.”
ME: “See you in a second. I’m walking out now.”

I wait in the designated meeting spot for 10 minutes.

ME: “Hi, this is Bethany. Where are you?”
DRCG: “Uh…(to someone else), where am I? (Valet) I’m at Valet.”
NOTE: The Valet stand at my San Jose hotel is about 15 feet from the hotel lobby.
ME: “So, are you driving over to get me?”
DRCG: “Where was I supposed to go again?”
ME: “Nevermind. I can see you talking to your friend and I need to get my car. I’m walking to you.”

NOTE: I’m really trying to not do a lot of walking.

ME: “Hi. I’m Bethany.” (said with attitude)

We start driving.

DRCG: “I’m having a bad day too. I got in late and my boss bitched me out.”
ME: NOTHING – but I’m thinking, “You, late? What a surprise, considering you’re 20 minutes late to pick me up.”
DRCG: “Why are you having a bad day?”
ME: “Personal stuff. It’s why I needed you to pick me up at the other entrance. I’m not supposed to be walking much.”
DRCG: “Oh. Sorry. You look OK. What could be that bad?”

I pause before answering. I almost don’t answer. Then I say to myself, “Fuck it.”

ME: “My body is trying to balance aborting a dead gestational sack without miscarrying my baby who’s still alive.”
DRCG: “Oh.”

We didn’t talk the rest of the way to the rental car agency...which was 30 minutes away.

=====================

As for what’s actually happening with TBD, they don’t know. Hopefully things will be OK until I get to the doctor on Monday – but even then, they may not know. It’s not typical what’s happening.

My Second Time as a Hospital Patient, Ever

Today ranks as one of the five worst days of my life. It also marks the second time in my life that I've been admitted to a hospital. The first time being when I gave birth to Violet.

This morning I woke up to severe bleeding (both new and old blood). To be clear - not spotting -- bleeding. I immediately called my doctor and since I’m out of town, I was instructed to go to the emergency room.

My rental car reservation is messed up, so I had to take a taxi to the hospital. At 6:56AM I arrived at the emergency room of O’Connor Hospital in San Jose. There was only one other person in the waiting room. Which is good, not only because of the shorter wait time, but I like to limit the number of people who are subjected to me sobbing uncontrollably.

I checked in and was asked to wear a mask as a precaution – because uterine bleeding is apparently airborne. They asked me a billion questions, determined that I’m 14 weeks, one day pregnant, which means I need to go to labor and delivery (L&D) to be examined.

I waited alone in the waiting room for 30+ minutes before I bugged the check in desk. Then some guy arrived with a wheel chair and took me to L&D.

The nurse at the L&D desk has the bedside manner of ass meat. I don’t know what that means, but I’d like to refer to her as “ass meat.” While I sat there filling out forms and answering questions in my wheelchair, a stranger brought me some tissues and offered to take my mask.

It must have been obvious that the mask needed to go, because wearing a mask + sobbing uncontrollably = paper stuck to your face and a worthless mask.

After processing my information, I was asked to get out of my wheelchair and go to the “resource room.” The “resource room” had three chairs, a nightstand from the 80’s, a trash can and two candy wrappers on the floor.

I’m assuming this is the room where they take families to deliver bad news.

I sat there for probably 20 minutes, then I asked ass meat what the ETA was. She told me that she had called the doctor and someone was on their way.

Ten minutes later a nurse (let’s call her ass meat’s ugly sister) pulls up with a wheelchair and informs me that according to their calculations, I’m actually 13 weeks, four days pregnant; therefore they need to take me back down to the ER. I’m still sobbing uncontrollably. A non-ass meat nurse pets my hair, says everything will be OK and tells me that they’re going to wheel me back downstairs.

They wheel me back down and I re-check in at the ER. I’m asked to put another mask on and I’m immediately sent to the triage nurse. He takes my blood pressure, temperature, asks me a million more questions and lets me know that I need to fill out some more paperwork, before they take me back into the ER.

I sign my life away and FINALLY, I’m taken into the ER. At this point, I’ve been at the hospital for 90+minutes.

A kind nurse tells me that I can take my mask off now and she leads me to Room #2. I’m asked to strip, piss in a cup, get into a gown and lay on a gurney.

A doctor comes in and asks me what’s going on. He tells me that they’re going to take my blood and give me an ultrasound. From here on out, I’m going to leave out wait times. Know that I wait at least 15 minutes between each new step.

Wait.

A different nurse comes in and takes my blood. They flushed my system with saline, which makes your mouth taste like seawater. She puts a port in my arm, because the doctor wants to run an IV. I tell the nurse that I’m not going to do an IV right now. I tell her that the morning has been traumatic enough; I just can’t deal with an IV right now. She tells me that’s OK, but she leaves the port in my arm. She starts some small talk to make me feel better and asks how old my daughter is. When I tell her two years and three months, she said, “Well, it’s time for you to be pregnant.” As soon as the words left her mouth, more uncontrollable sobs.

I leave my clothes, phone and wallet in room #2. I don’t really care about them at this point.

A different person, I have no idea who, wheels me through the hospital to the ultrasound department. With no word, I’m left in a hallway, still sobbing, in a hospital gown. Finally, some guy, stops and says, “Ma’am, we’ll be with you in a second.”

Wait.

Finally Ramon introduces himself and takes me to ultrasound room #4. He asks what’s going on, asks if he can tuck a towel in my underwear and smears on the ultrasound goo. Ramon is very kind and sensitive about the entire thing. He’s quiet for a while and I finally ask him, “Do you see anything?”

He tells me TBD looks fine. The heartbeat is strong and he can see no issues – with one exception. There’s another gestational sack. Then I explain about TBD’s possible twin.

He lets me see TBD, he takes some photos of TBD for me (which I’m later told never happens – so Ramon is really cool) and he leaves to talk to my doctor.

While Ramon is gone, it hits 9AM. I'm in a Catholic hospital. At 9AM they issue a reflection/prayer for the day. More sobbing. He returns shortly and tells me that I’m going back to the ER.

Ramon wheels me back through the hospital and I’m taken back to room #2 in the ER. My stuff is still there. Ramon gives me my phone so I can call Dave.

Wait.

My doctor comes back in, tells me that everything looks OK, but they’re not positive why I’m bleeding. He tells me to take things easy, stay off my feet and to rest as much as possible. He tells me that he’s going to write up some instructions and that a nurse will be back in to remove my port.

Wait.

A weird nurse comes in and takes my port out. She reads through my doctor’s notes. My official diagnosis is something something miscarriage/abortion. Real light reading.

I’m asked to get dressed and to leave. I ask if I need to check out and she says “no.” I walk out of the ER alone, get in a taxi, go to work.

I’m still bleeding, so I’m not going to feel better until I see my doctor on Monday in Houston.

On the positive, I had to tell my boss what was going on and it went really well. She told me I should fly home immediately if that is what’s best -- I'm stubborn, I'm finishing my trip. On the negative, I still won’t be going loud and large with my pregnancy news, because I’m facing another hurdle.

I made it on time to my 10:30 meeting.

Lucky week 13...

Scheduled C-Section

Met with my doctor this morning. Heard TBD's heartbeat. Then we chatted about my delivery. I asked her if I could try a Vaginal Birth After C-section (VBAC). She said that if I want to, she'll support me.

We reviewed my odds for a successful delivery and we discussed what I did and did not like about V's delivery. The biggest concern my doctor has is that the type of incision I required to emergency deliver V will dramatically increase the odds that my uterus could rupture during childbirth.

At the end of the discussion, I decided on a scheduled c-section. My doctor told me to think about it and do some research. I'll look around online, but my mind's pretty much made up. Why risk one more unknown complexity?

Also, I dropped the urine sample cup in the toilet and I had to fish it out. Nasty.

Uhhh...

Tonight I ate the last two dill spears we had in the house. That didn't fill me up, so I proceeded to drink an entire jar (meaning it had all 3/4-full) of pickle juice.

It was the best thing I've ever tasted.

Second Trimester

I'm now officially in my second trimester. I still can't openly talk about my pregnancy though, thanks to a little thing called "the Internet." I tell my boss in two weeks, then hopefully, I'll be able to talk about it openly. I most certainly don't want my associates hearing about it on Facebook.

I cannot believe how quickly my first trimester went by. Today at lunch, I looked at Dave and said, "Oh my God. That was fast. We're going to have another kid in, like, no time."

Then I took a moment and breathed.

I'm still in shock on this pregnancy. I'm hoping that finding out the sex (in six weeks or so) will make things real. Giving the kid a name should help, although, I may always refer to him/her as "TBD."

It's a Girl

Really, we have no idea. Until this point, I've had a feeling that TBD is a boy. Now, because I've been beyond grumpy for a solid week, I now think TBD's a girl.

I get irritated by people when I'm not pregnant. When I am pregnant, it feels like everyone is picking on me and it takes all my will power to not snap at, well, pretty much everyone. I very much remember feeling this way when I was PG with Violet, so that's where the girl thing comes from.

Then I went and re-read the entire "Twilight" saga in a week. With pregnancy hormones coursing through my veins. Stupid.

I guess the positive is that I'm feeling a lot less tired, otherwise, the whole reading late into the night thing would have gone nowhere.

Grumpy Pregnant Lady

That's what I am. Please avoid me if you know what's good for you.

Pickles and Ice Cream

Tonight I made myself a milkshake. Then I cleaned up the kitchen. While cleaning I saw a jar of pickles and thought, "Damn, a pickle sounds good," so I ate one.

Then I realized that without any attempt at irony, I had eaten pickles and ice cream.

Not Really Tax-Free Weekend

I decided to stick it to the state government and avoid taxes on diapers. $500 in diapers and wipes is not that many boxes. It was also really weird buying diapers for a little baby again.

Upon arriving home, Dave informed me that we owe another $3600 in Federal income taxes.

$60 in taxes does not stick it to someone as well as $3600 in taxes. FYI.

Crappy Photo Double-take

The photo the stupid nurse took the other day of TBD is bad (TBD is dissected), but I realized that it's probably the only photo I'm going to have of TBD's twin who didn't make it. The sack's empty now, but you can see it on the right/bottom of TBD's gestational sack. It's considerably smaller then when I first saw TBD on July 31. At that time, the sacks were almost the same size...of course TBD has also grown. 2 cm baby!



Today was the most nauseous I've been. I almost puked, but I didn't. I wish I would puke, I'd feel better and I'd probably lose a few pounds.

Motion Sickness

I never had motion sickness in my life, until I got pregnant with Violet. Since then, it hasn't stopped. It's infrequent, but it comes on like a linebacker. It takes about five seconds for me to get motion sick and 30 minutes to an hour to recover.

Being pregnant again has made it worse/more frequent.

Tonight we took Violet to dinner at "The Aquarium" in Houston, because they had a special menu for Houston Restaurant Week. Cute outing, money goes to charity, sweet idea, right?

WRONG.

If you're dealing with motion sickness, it is a bad idea to be in a dark room that's full of thick glass aquarium walls, because that glass distorts everything and makes you sicker than a dog. And we didn't even order off the charity menu.

The company was nice though...and they picked up the tab. Too bad I was too barfy feeling to order dessert.

And yeah, I just whined about going out to a nice dinner where someone else paid. I'm going to bed now.

The Regular OB

Here's where reality sets in and I start to whine about how much better the care is when you're a fertility patient.

TBD and I saw the regular OB today, except, we didn’t really. My doctor is now so popular that I didn’t actually get to see her. Instead I got to see her incompetent nurse practitioner and medical assistant.

After filling out a form in which I listed my age, family illnesses, etc, both the nurse practitioner and medical assistant asked me the same questions (seperately) that I had just answered – even though my written answers were sitting in front of their faces.

And they weren’t asking to double check my answers, no, they were asking because they didn’t bother to read it…which was evident when I said, “These answers are all on the form I just filled out.”

NURSE PRACTITIONER: “No they’re not. Oh, wait. I’ve got what I need here.”

No doy. I just told you that.

Then I was told to strip from the waist down, to which I said, “Are you sure? I think you’re going to need to scan me in the other part of the office.”

MEDICAL ASSISTANT: “No, you’ll be examined here.”

As a fertility patient, this is one of the annoying parts of the whole process. See, when you go to the doctor all the time, you know what’s what and what’s wrong. So, when my nurse practitioner came back in the room, she confirmed that I did indeed need to get dressed so we could go to the other part of the office for my scan.

Why don’t people just listen to me? I’m pretty much always right.

During my scan I was told that their equipment doesn’t let you hear the baby’s heart beat. Whatever, I’ve heard it on the exact machine where I was told this lie.

They gave me a picture of TBD. It’s pretty stupid though, because she left the measurement line on for the photo, so it looks like poor TBD is being dissected.

God I hate that nurse practitioner. She even had the audacity to say, “It’s nice to meet you,” twice (upon arrival and departure). Too bad she’s met me like a billion other times.

I love my OB, but it sucks that everyone else does. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can endure this horrible service for eight more months, but my OB also saved Violet’s life and that goes a long way.

To make things worse, on my drive home, the person driving in front of me stopped their car in the middle of the road so they could give a homeless person change. They almost caused a six-car wreck to give a homeless person change.

If I could live on a sparsely populated island with my family, a few friends and my fertility doctor, I would.

Prego Workout and Good Vag

I decided that I can work on my fatigue by exercising more. Months of excessive tiredness are getting old (this pre-dates getting PG).

During yesterday's appointment, I made sure it was OK with my doctor and today I walked on a treadmill, on granny-speed, for almost an hour.

And you know what? I feel great right now. This is the least tired I've felt in months.

Speaking of my doctor, I said good-bye to her yesterday. As of tomorrow, I'm off to the regular OB. It was weird saying bye to my doctor, because she's been my doctor for so long -- probably longer than any other doctor in my life.

I've been going through fertility treatments on and off for three years, but I've gone to my fertility doctor as a way of "treating" my PCOS for almost seven years. Since we now know that I have PCOS and insulin-regulation medicines keep things in check, I don't need to go to her anymore.

She gave me a hard time saying, "What, you're not going to try for #3? Why are you laughing? I have three kids."

Thanks, but no thanks. If I have a choice, I will never elect to give myself another shot in the stomach (given all goes well with TBD).

When I said good-bye she said, "Even though you don't need to see me as a doctor, we could hang out and see each other in a social capacity." It was sweet, I might take her up on it and it made me think "I must have a pretty well-kept vaginal area for her to think I'm OK enough to be friends with."

This may be false-logic, but it's what I'm taking from the situation.

TBD's 8-week Check Up

Went to the doctor today. TBD is measuring 8 weeks, 3 days old, or almost 2 cm in length. Heartbeat was good and little TBD was dancing around.

Here is TBD (good luck making things out).



While I was at the doctor, I had some bleeding that would have freaked me out, had I not been at the doctor's office. It turns out that I was pregnant with twins and my body is trying to eliminate the second pregnancy (really just the gestational sack at this point).

I told my doctor that I've been more tired than I've ever been in my life. She said that should be expected when your body is trying to get rid of one thing while keeping another. Whatever, I'm just tired.

Bad Idea: Grocery Store

It's bad enough going to the grocery store when you're hungry. Hungry and pregnant...forget about it. Veering off my list, the following items were purchased because I wanted to eat them ASAP.

• Cocoa Pebbles


• Cocoa Puffs


• Chocolate ice cream


• Chocolate chips - milk chocolate


• Three (3) boxes of brownie mix (Two supreme fudge, one original fudge)


• Rice pudding

I think it's safe to say that I'm craving chocolate. I did with V too.

Weird Aversion

Yesterday I had my first serious aversion to a smell. That smell was chocolate chip cookies baking. Who hates that?

Apparently, right now, I do. It made me gag.

Oh and I cried while watching "Confessions of a Shop-a-holic" on my flight yesterday. If you haven't seen this piece of crap movie, know that there's not one tear-worthy second in it.

I am possessed. Embarrassing.

Delayed Joy

We found out on Friday that TBD is a singleton. TBD was most likely a twin, but the twin didn't make it. I currently have two gestational sacks, but the second one is empty.

So, in other words, "Hooray."

TBD had a strong heart beat -- only one more week to go with a heart beat before his/her chances of making it through the first trimester are 95%. My next ultrasound is on August 10.

I'll post the photos one day when I stop being so lazy. I'm so tired right now. I go to sleep with Violet at 8:30 - 9:30, then I wake up anywhere from 5 AM - 8 AM.

And the dreams...the pregnancy dreams have begun. Every night it's disturbingly weird dreams. The night before last, my Grandparents (all of them) were trying to kill me.

This might not actually be that far from the truth.

Anxious

I'm so anxious for today's appointment. I've been up since 5 AM and there's no chance I'm going back to sleep before I go to the doctor. Is it 10:30 yet?

Bad Idea: Hotel for Dogs

Once again, I stupidly decided to watch the in-flight movie while I have pregnancy hormones surging through my body. Last night, the people around me on the flight had the privilege of hearing me sob while watching "Hotel for Dogs."

We get off the flight and I tell Dave, "I can't believe how much I was sobbing at that movie."

He says, "Yeah, I was wondering why you were crying so much. It really wasn't that sad."

"Some of those were tears of joy, damn it."

Anyway, the movie was surprisingly good.

Gardening

In an effort to prove to myself that I don't have to scared shitless every moment of my pregnancy, I did a little gardening this afternoon. Well, I didn't want to have actual contact with the soil, so I pruned lots of plants...but that counts.

BTW, it is recommended that you should not have contact with soil while you're pregnant.

Tight Pants and Retards

At five weeks, three days, my pants are tight. My underwear are totally uncomfortable. I'm switching to maternity underwear in the morning. Hooray.

I called the doctor to make my first OB appointment today -- to clarify, non-fertility OB, OB appointment. I stay with my fertility doctor until 8 - 10 weeks.

When I called I was informed that my doctor's really backed up and they can't get me in until September. WHOA NELLY -- We already have wait times like this to see doctors and people want to socialize medicine.

That's re-tar-ded.

I honest-to-God think that people who think socialized medicine is a good idea might be retarded. That or they just refuse to learn anything about medical care.

In the case that they are retarded, I would be happy to pay for their medical care, because they can't learn to know any better.

Anyway, I told them that was unacceptable (because this is not fucking Canada) and now I magically have an appointment the week of August 10.

On a completely related note, I'm thinking about switching doctors.

As a fertility patient, you get really spoiled with good health care. See, when the majority of what you're paying is out of pocket, you get much better service. Then you move on over to the HMO/PPO and it's shit.

I have first hand experience that more regulation = much crappier...but don't trust me and my first hand experience. Trust what the media and your political puppets tell you, retards.

The Mock-tail

Had my first mock-tail tonight. It was hard to order a mocktail without drawing attention to myself. When I said I wanted "a mocktail -- like whatever you can make fastest that looks like it has alcohol in it, but doesn't, that's what I want," I confused the crap out of the bartender.

Mocktail should be a fairly well-known term in the bar industry.

Whatever.

Then the bartender starting asking me why I wanted a mocktail. How's about it's none of your Goddamn business. What if I was an alcoholic?

Anyway, I did, eventually, get my mocktail without anyone noticing. Happy hour with the team. Success.

Bad Idea

As I just told my friend Rebecca, it's a bad idea for a woman with new prego hormones infiltrating her system to watch "BabyStory" while flying.

1. They blur out most of the "business," but you (and the person sitting next to you/behind you) can still see what's going on.

2. Sobbing in front of strangers who are trapped on a plane with you is uncomfortable. For them.

Travel While Prego

I forgot how much more I hate leaving home/Dave when I'm pregnant. As I head to the airport, it's all coming back.

Back Pains and Big Sis

I'm still extremely nervous. I've been having the same back pains I had with my first miscarriage. Not much I can do about it though, so I'm trying to focus on the positive.

Tonight I asked V if she'd like a little sister or a little brother. Sister was the resounding answer. When asked if she would love her baby sister, she screamed, "NO!"

Great.

Due Date: March 19, 2010

My results came back much better than expected and I'm still officially pregnant. I'm not going to believe it though, until we see a heartbeat(s) on July 31.

Beyond Frustration

I just got a call from my doctor's office. My pregnancy test came back with some discrepancies. I go in for another test tomorrow.

No words...no fucking words.

Holy Crap

I'm pregnant.

I'm scared that it's multiples though. Happy either way, but scared. We'll find out soon enough.

Oh my God...I'm pregnant! Like a pregnancy test that I didn't screw up and didn't get me a "sort of" pregnant. PREGNANT PREGNANT PREGNANT.

I had one more pregnancy test left (before I went to buy a whole new slew of tests) and I decided to take it when I realized that I was insisting that Dave go to bed with me at 9:37 PM. That and I've been nauseous as hell all day long...and I wanted brownies so badly, I got off my ass and baked some, at 8:30 PM.

The Past 24 Hours

I've developed:

- The worst heartburn. Ever.
- A weird taste in my mouth and it won't go away.
- An acute sense of smell...car wash. Blech.
- Lots of nausea and loss of appetite.
- Tiredness. Lots of it.

This is going to be a big let-down if I'm not PG.

Alex, the Pregnancy Jinx

I'm writing this, hoping my friend, Alex, reads it in the future.

My friend Alex is a pain-in-the-ass...and I'm so superstitious (which is ridiculous, I realize), I hope her pain-in-the-ass-ness jinxes us into being pregnant.

When I got pregnant with Violet, she was the first person to straight up ask us when we were going to try for kids. We had just found out that we were pregnant, so we very awkwardly answered her question.

This week she asked me when we're going to try again. When I gave her another weird answer, she asked if I was pregnant.

I hope this girl is a jinx. I hope I am pregnant.

We had our IUI on June 27. Now we wait.

I'm impatient, so I've already taken two pregnancy tests. One on Friday (which was way too early). It was negative.

I took another one today...and apparently I'm an idiot, because I made the digital test malfunction. Say what? Yeah...

Happy Sad Week

We've celebrated Violet's birthday this week.
We're soon to celebrate her new cousin Tripp's birthday.
We will also have our next IUI this week.

I'm focused on the positive, but it's a bit of a downer to think that if I hadn't miscarried, that I, too, would be having a baby this week.

Trying Again

Today is day two of my cycle. Shots start again tomorrow. P-a-r-t-y.

I've had the worst cramps of my life this cycle. Like, the mid-stages of labor painful.

Cautiously optimistic. Still getting my head back in the game after that unfortunate March business.

Free Pass, I Guess

Today I learned about something that is completely freaking me out. That thing is "ovarian torsion."

I DO NOT currently have ovarian torsion, nor am I at a super-high risk for getting it.

What's ovarian torsion, you ask?

Oh, it's when your ovary twists on itself. Like inside you. Twists. Requires emergency surgery. Can result in losing your ovary if not treated immediately.

This ovarian torsion business came up in conversation today, because both my doctor and I agree that the reason my medicine made my body go crazy this past cycle is because my body is healthier because I've been working out on a regular schedule for a prolonged amount of time. I'm healthier on a cellular level.

That makes me giggle. I don't know why.

Anyway, if I continue to work out, I won't need as much meds, because my body's working better with lower doses. Good thing...wish we would have thought about it before last week.

During the workout talk I mention that "I've blown it though" because I didn't work out all last week, because I felt to sick. My doctor said, "Good thing. You need to not work out for at least another week. Your ovaries are still so swollen that you're not at high risk, but you at at risk for ovarian torsion. You need to take it easy on all physical activities. Keep jumping to a minimum."

Jumping...to a minimum...I have big boobs. No prob.

And then I asked what ovarian torsion is.

And then about 45 seconds after she told me what it is, she received a call on her "red" phone because one of her patients had just called in with an ovarian torsion and she needed to go into emergency surgery.

I will not work out for at least a week.
I will not work out for at least a week.
I will not work out for at least a week.

On the personal front, the ovaries are super swollen and I'm still super fertile. I'm going on birth control for a month and I'm gonna pray that these ladies simmer down on their own. We can't try again until they go back to normal. That will take at least one month.

Bloodletting

Got my period today, which in my book, is a great thing. I literally feel better with every drop of blood that leaves my body. That's not an overstatement.

I talk to my doc tomorrow. I'm interested in what's she's going to say.

I hope all my damn follicles are going back to normal. If they don't they're called "cysts" and you have to wait at least one full cycle until they go back to normal and you can try again.

Ultimately though, I'm just so happy that I feel normal again. You know you're really ill when you feel "great" when you get your period.

Don't Touch My Belly

I'm feeling a load better today -- which means I still feel like crap, but I'm not on the verge of puking. I might even eat something...I should eat something. I need to take advantage of my current, doctor prescribed, menu: salty foods. "Whatever salty that you can keep down."

I know I genuinely don't feel well, because I had to force-feed myself french fries last night. Six was all I could get down and I was really trying.

The big development for today is that my abdominal area is very sensitive. Which means that both V and Atari have already jumped on me multiple times. Hurts. So. Bad.

I'm glad I'm starting to feel better, I just wish that being a responsible individual felt better too. It's annoying to think that I most likely would have been pregnant this month...but at what cost?

I know I made the right decision, I'm just not looking forward to yet another month of sticking needles in my stomach.

God Bless Birth Control

I still feel like complete crap and my pants still don't fit, but I'm not about to fully keel over on the floor anymore. Hooray. I guess.

I could be sad that I've formally cancelled this month's cycle, but I'm just happy that I'm starting to feel better.

I'm proud of myself for making the responsible decision. There was a high likelihood that even through "natural" methods, we would have gotten pregnant this month. The issue is that if we were to get pregnant today, we would be looking at up to thirty kids (more on that at the bottom).

Extreme multiple prego is not gonna happen for us -- we would not allow it to...and that's a tough decision to have to make. I say I'm comfortable with "selective reduction," but I'm really glad I've never had to make the decision to reduce.

Back to my well-deserved whining.

Guess what? Hyper-stimulated ovaries are really painful. What are the actual "things that feel bad?"

• Extreme nausea - which, I still have.


• Extreme fatigue - of course, one should expect their body to be really tired when it's trying to release in one month what takes a normal woman nearly three years to do.


• Hot flashes - Flashes my doctor said are very similar to menopausal flashes. Um, I don't want to go through menopause.


• Abdominal swelling - Fluid builds up in your pelvis and if it gets bad enough, they have to do a "pelvic tap." I was borderline needing a tap this morning.


• Dehydration - I cannot get enough water into my body.


• Restlessness/inability to sleep.


• Headaches.

So basically, it's a self-induced party of awesomeness. Oh and those pains you get during ovulation...those pains x's thirty...cause I had thirty fully developed follicles when I was scanned this morning.

Too Sick For a Full Update

My ovaries are badly hyper-stimulated. It's making me incredibly ill. I just made the decision to cancel my cycle and I sealed the deal by taking a birth control pill. Apparently birth control pills are the fastest way to get my body back to normal.

I feel like I'm swelling as I type this. I put on pants this morning. My abdomen is now so swollen they won't fit.

I'm miserable.

Booyah Octo-Mom

This morning I found out that if I was bat-shit crazy, I could potentially beat the Octo-Mom in her quest to carry an obscene amount of children.

No, I'm not currently pregnant. I found out that the reason I've felt like complete shit and I'm tired as hell is because my body has "hyper-produced" a crap-load of follicles this month.

NOTE: This is the phrasing that is used. Follicles are not actually created each cycle, follicles grow bigger each cycle -- indicating how many eggs will be released.

QUESTION: How many is a "crap-load"?

ANSWER: At least twelve. I say "at least" twelve, because I'm not sure how many it was. A lot.

On my "cycle tracking sheet" there are six areas where they can document follicle development. Six areas per ovary. Two ovaries x six areas = twelve follicles. I know that it was way more than twelve though, because every box had at least two follicles listed in it.

Here's what I mean. Here's what a standard month looks like:

Right Ovary
1 - 16 mm
1 - 14 mm -- meaning I have a follicle at 14 mm (18 - 22 is mature or ready to lay an egg).

Today's report looked something like this:

Right Ovary
2 - 16 mm
3 - 14 mm
3 - 13 mm
...

Yeah, that's a lot of eggs.

So, I had to have this conversation with the nurse:

NURSE: "I think the doctor is going to recommend cancelling your cycle or only going with intercourse. I don't think she's going to want to do an IUI. Are you comfortable with this?"

ME: "No. I want to move forward with an IUI."

NURSE: "Have we talked to you about "selective reduction?"

NOTE: Selective reduction = If you get prego with a ton of babies, they go in with a needle and selectively reduce the number of babies. I don't care what your pro-life/anti-life opinion is. I'm not gonna have a litter of kids. You're welcome to make your own decision for yourself.

ME: "Yeah. I'm totally comfortable with selective reduction. Let's move forward. You can have it in writing that I'm not moving forward in being prego with more than two kids."

NURSE: "Well, OK. We'll see what the doctor says."

Hot Flashes

One of the things they don't tell you about having a baby is that after you have the baby you'll probably have hot flashes and night sweats as the hormones exit your system.

Well...as I'm finding out this week, you also have hot flashes and night sweats when the hormones enter your system.

It's a good thing, it means my meds are working -- but goddamn if I'm not sick of sweating/freezing/sweating/freezing...

Results at doc's appt were very good. I have three follicles that are already growing (typically don't see growth until day 10ish of the cycle -- I'm currently on day six). My estrogen level (see aforementioned sweating) is busting through the roof (also good).

So, aside from the goddamn sweating, really good news.

I'm So Dizzy

Going into the doc in the morning. Need to make sure everything is OK. I can't tell if I'm getting sick or if my medicine is making me a dizzy disaster. Either option sucks.

So nauseous. So dizzy. So pissy.

I better see some GD folicle growth in the morning.

Back in the Saddle

Started shots on Monday. Accidentally pierced something wrong when I gave myself a shot tonight. Now my fat roll (where I give myself my shots) hurts like a mother.

Oh and my medicine is making me really dizzy this round. My hormones have been extra crazy -- poor, poor D.

So basically, it's a party already...on day five (of 28) of my cycle.

Oh and everyday at least one person asks when we're gonna have another kid. I honest-to-God do not understand how people don't think that question is rude. The closer we get to V's second birthday, the more frequent the question comes.

Since the goal of this blog is to be completely honest with the process, I'll tell you that I want to punch people in the face when they ask. So, if you're reading this and you've asked, I want to punch you in the face. Leave me alone.

Sicko

Good thing my insurance is the bomb. I'm not even trying to get pregnant and here's my meds for the week.


It's disgusting.

Statistics Suck

After having my root canal, I had to wait at Walgreens for more than 30 minutes (after being told my prescription was ready)...because my pain killer medication was rejected...because "statistically" I should be pregnant.

This statistic is based on the types of medications I take and the time between having prescriptions filled.

Thanks Walgreens for making my week even crappier. You can shove your statistics where the sun don't shine.